I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
