I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Randomize