if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
