Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
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