Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Randomize
