The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Randomize
