she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
U Should have said " it's ok baby most girls Sh*t when I do that.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
