laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Randomize
