Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
