Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
