Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
Just invented taco cereal.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
