He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
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