Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Randomize
