i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
they need to just BURY HIM!
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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