MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
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