And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
