i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Played the LOTR drinking game last night. Ended up in boxers running thru the lot at ross's place screaming "for frodo"
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
