I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
Randomize
