Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
