He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Randomize
