I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Randomize
