my phone needs a breathalizer
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
Randomize
