I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
