He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
