I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Randomize
