You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
