I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
