And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
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