I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
