rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize
