Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
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