I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
i out mim tonsoeep
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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