I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
Randomize
