i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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