Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
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