I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
then he tried to convert me to islam
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
Enjoy the penises
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
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