Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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