id be glad to
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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