Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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