Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
