Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Randomize
