i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Randomize
