Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
Randomize
