I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
