I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
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