someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
Randomize
