i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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