dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
I'm laying in your front yard are you home
your room smells of hookers.
And success
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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