This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
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