I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Randomize
