i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
I feel like abortions should bother me more
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
I need to calm my uterus...
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
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