apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
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