She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
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