He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
