I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
